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Tears Vs Man Water

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

If you were on an alien world that had only one sex, the aliens might ask you to explain the difference between men and women. Let’s consider how a man or a woman might punctuate these words.

woman without her man is lost
Now I would write:

A Woman! Without her, Man is lost!
Yeah, that is right. Now a man might think it should read:
A woman, without her man, is lost.
Men and women are so different.

Gift Giving
One time my female boss went to a conference in Chicago and brought me a small toy parrot. When you squeeze it makes an sound that sounds like a fight between a wounded cat and a pig. I did not know what to make of the gift. She said that when she saw it, she thought of me. As I look at it now, I still don’t know what to make of it. Women give gifts for no reason at all.
Women would NEVER give a gift in the Fall and say, “Oh, just consider it an early Christmas gift.” We want our Christmas gifts on Christmas. If you are giving me something any time between 11-25 and 12-23, it is NOT an early Christmas gift. It is a gift with no strings attached. I still expect something on the 25th. Last year, I got PVC pipe for Christmas. Don’t Ask! Seriously who really means that? I got the same guy several martial arts action DVD’s that I found while out of town. I hadn’t seen them in any
local store and I knew he would like them. I also got him the Family Guy, seasons 1 & 2 in late Fall just for being a great guy and helping me with my house, but I didn’t consider it an early Christmas gift. This year I was prepared. I bought two Christmas gifts. Not labeled
with his name but labeled, “Good” or “Bad.” He got the “Good” gift.
Congratulations to the Un-Boyfriend.

Now that Valentine’s Day is approaching, I am getting very anxious. I just don’t know what the Un-Boyfriend will get me. For the past two years, I have gotten goofy cards. Last year, was horrible. I actually stopped talking to him for two months. I have me the card, that I hated. I showed it to the roommate and her boyfriend. A few days later, he calls and says, “I have something for you.” I said, “Oh good, my real Valentine’s Day Gift.” No. Oh God just thinking about it makes me ill. He went on a trip to a body building and martial arts exhibition with some friends.

Someone had left a chargeable mixer in his car. Instead of returning it, he figured that possession was 9/10ths of the law and gave it to me since I had wanted one. WHY WOULD HE TELL ME THAT?

Women remember nothing
about sports that a man might say. But any comment related to our makeup, our hair, our weight or our clothes we will remember and repeat verbatim more than 6 months from now.
Men see nothing wrong with discussing their bodily functions, even at work, but will not consider shopping for female hygiene products.
A woman would never consider the term “you have too many clothes” as grammatically correct.
Women do not understand why the distant sound of a dueling banjo playing makes men shiver. A woman would never consider Brokeback Mountain, a horror movie. When girls veg out in front of the TV is it to watch home improvement shows not sports or James Bond movies. When women get together to watch the season
premiere, I guarantee it is not the Sopranos or West Wing.
Every once in awhile I find mouse droppings on my desk. A gift from my office mate. I never would have thought that I would have to share my office space with a rodent. Last year, the custodian put the trap on my desk. He put oatmeal on the glue to attract the mouse. One day I came in and the oatmeal was gone, a hole had been chewed on the glue trap and there were turds everywhere. No mouse. I realized that only a man would think that putting a mousetrap on a desk was a good idea. The last thing I wanted to do was find a dying mouse sitting at my desk. I hid the trap under my desk. This winter, I saw the trapped mouse still Alive on the glue. Of course, I screamed and ran down the hall. What other response was expected of me? The men in the office thought it was funny and would not help me get the mouse out. The women took it seriously.

Men don’t really know what might makes a woman cry. It could be a dead puppy, a toilet seat left up or broken heel on a pair of black pumps. A wise woman told me that there are three acceptable times when a man can cry or create male water. 1. At the birth of his first child. 2. At a funeral and 3. When his dog dies. When my co-worker’s dog died we tiptoed and whispered around the office for days. We felt helpless as he worked slouched at his desk for more than a week. Okay, maybe there is a fourth acceptable time for male water: When he gets married- but it is not because he is overtaken with the beauty of his bride. Either reality has set in or this has completely killed his buzz.
On January 1, 2006 my bedroom closet collapsed. Everything was all over the floor. Just horrible. This was the third time this has happened. I was weepy for several days.
The first time, my roommate was very distraught. I swear I thought she was going to cry. My co-worker and male friends thought it was funny as hell. I guess, only women understand the gravity of a wrecked closet. Men, on the other hand, find it humorous.
This final time I sat in the middle of my wrecked room for hours just sighing. My roommate begged me to come out and watch TV with her. She was really concerned that I was becoming depressed. The Handyman suggested that I was messy. I considered fixing the closet myself when he said that. How dare he? He installed a new higher metal closet bar plus shorter lower second bar for skirts and pants and built a cubby hole for my t-shirts.
I almost fired him for suggesting that I had too many shoes. He
immediately apologized by saying, “A man has no business telling a woman what to do with her shoes.”

Actually, if I were to explain the sexes to an alien, I would say that the true difference between men and women is comparable to the difference between clear plastic storage bins and peg board.


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