Conference a go go

I attended a conference last week.
The conference itself is an annual event. I generally describe it as a conference of debauchery and business. For years, when I attended the conference, I would meet up with a friend and we would pretend to be a Conference Couple in order to avoid the aggressive advances from the opposite sex. In the past few years, I have not been able to find a fake conference boyfriend and instead behaved aloof and distant.
Last year, I took Dude with me. This year, I went solo.
You know how conferences go. Everyone gets together after the last workshop/plenary of the day and heads off to a restaurant. I missed the mass groupings for dinner. I walked to the lobby hoping to find someone as hungry as me. I found Old Guy. We ran into each other in the lobby and decided to head to the eatery together.During the walk he asked me repeatedly, "How are you," and "What is going on with you?" Normally, these polite questions would not be remarkable. In hindsight, because he began asking the two questions before we left the hotel and asked them several times more between the short romp to the eatery and before the waitress took our drink orders, I should have suspected early that something unusual was about to happen to me.
First, he reminded me that the 90s version of our professional conference was likened to going to Las Vegas. I agreed. I had been in my 20s. Attending the conference back then was a guaranteed fun time.
That is, until I began wearing long skirts, attending church regularly, and dating less frequently.During that period, I found my conference boyfriend and we would be a annual Conference Couple. I avoided passes by sexy philanderers and he avoided pinches by older, more aggressive, single women. After a few years of this, he moved onto a new job and I stopped socializing at the conference when I attended.
While I ate, he began a long story about how he has observed my personal and professional growth through our interactions at the conferences. I began to count the number of times OG poked me in the arm.
After I hit 15, I excused myself to find a co-worker from my department, who was at the conference and at the same restaurant.


I explained to my co-worker that OG was clearly drunk.I had had a whiff of his breath BEFORE our drinks had been delivered and realized that he was plastered. I asked the co-worker to find me before he left the restaurant to retrieve me.

Okay, it wasn't really this bad. I just thought the pic was freakin' hilarious see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I returned to OG and he finished his very long and painful story (I was up to 30 arm pokes) with "I am attracted to you." That took me out of my haze. I had heard him replay my accomplishments: starting as an adviser and being promoted to Director; being a grant employee and now having written a high scoring grant application; and renting to owning a house. I knew all of these things, of course, it was a little odd having him recount them to me. I thought he was going to suggest that I run for an elected position in the association. His admission deflated my ego, just a bit.
I casually retrieved my cell phone and sent a text message to my co-worker.

Find me, NOW!

I have known this colleague since I began in the association 14 years ago. I have worked with him on numerous committees, I believe he is at least 15 years my senior. I refer to him as Old Guy for that reason. Knowing that I am approaching 40, I am in no way indicating that I am not old to some of the newer members of the association. I am not hitting on them either.
Later my co-worker would tell me that he could not find me at the restaurant.He did not get my text until after he had left. He asked me how did I end the dinner. I told him that I simply stood up and announced that I was ready to go. Try it next time you are on an awkward date. It works.



GAWD I hate being single

All at once

Last week the frost hit my cannas, tomatoes and collard greens. I turned on the heat. I pulled the plants out of my yard.
I pulled out my 2 piece puppy pajamas.   The electric blanket. The hot cocoa.  The radiant heater for the drafts. 
I have lived in my house for five winters.  This winter, I am determined to find the explanation for the severe COLD in my bedroom.  My bedroom has more draft than the basement. I feel like a forensic detective trying to solve a murder when I am walking around with burning incense to find drafts.
I discovered one draft emanating from the closet.  Yes, the closet.  I have placed a towel under the door.
Another draft seems to come from the new windows.  I still cannot determine the exact place. I am sure shoddy workmanship is the problem.  Never select your window company based on seeing a label at a Habitat for Humanity house.  Willingness provide energy saving windows for a homeless family does not equal superb installation for your home. 
A third draft begins in the craft/computer room which houses the upstairs kitty litter.  I had the balcony door draft proofed last year.  I can't figure out where the air originates now that the door is sealed. Probably the closet or the new window. 
The final draft that slaps me in my face comes from the attic.  I purchased this handy tool called an attic insulator from Owens Corning.  I place it atop the stairs. Yes, the attic opening is located in my bedroom. I didn't build my home.  I just live there.
This winter, I hope to stay warm.  


And now,the Indian Summer.
Which means the beginnings of a sinus infection.  Nice.
Sadly, I am at a conference located 3.5 hours from home. I have missed half the conference in bed.  I have missed three meals.  I feel like crap.

All I have been able to do is work on the projects that I brought with me and read.  As you can see I have finally turned the corner on the ruana. The wrap should keep me warm this winter once I get it completed. 

  
f Yes this warm. I used to love Chilly Willy as a kid. I didn't think that I would become him when I became a homeowner.
\
 BTW the socks that I mentioned here  from Elizabeth  have been keeping me warm.  

From the Archives: What the Men Things Say

This post was published in Dec 14, '05

I had attended a holiday party the day before.  Remember 2005, when people were too PC to say Christmas?

Good times.  Good times.

I have gotten away from the entire spectacle of the Christmas holiday.  I more excited about the Winter Solstice because it means daylight will be returning soon.

This entry was about being single.  Now that I am quickly approaching 40, I can really appreciate that attention that I used to receive in my 30s. Or not.  

Most of the men that I meet now are divorced or still think they are in their 20s.  It is odd having a conversation with a man with a gray beard when he is talking about twitter wars with 20 somethings.... Or casually dropping the word "hashtag" in adult conversation....

Social networking can prolong our youth,  but it isn't really that cute on a guy.
To the archives after the jump....

Perception is 9/10ths of Hilarious

I haven't written in some time.
It is summer. I get lazy. Of course, there have been loads of funny stuff happening around me to report. I just haven't sat down to update all of you.
First there is the issue of my sexuality

Last week during lunch a friend told me, "I didn't know you were a lesbian."
Well, neither did I.

I looked at her and responded. "I am not."
Not to be corrected, she reminded me that according to my Facebook status I am in a complicated relationship. She previewed the profile of my complicated partner and learned that she was a female.
Facebook has turned spying into a social activity.

I was not sure what to say.
It wasn't the first time I was dumbstruck when it came to my sexuality.

There was that time in Akron when a lesbian and I became great friends. That is until after a long night of commiserating about my single status she said, "Have you ever thought maybe you do not have a boyfriend because you are not supposed to have one?"

I got it then. All the gifts she had purchased for me when I moved were not housewarming gifts at all. We grew apart and lost touch but her words haunted me for years. I shared the story with a gay friend and he said, "Girl, ain't nothing about you - lesbian." With his affirmation I endured celibacy.

Here I was, five years since that conversation and my friend is looking at me from across the table waiting for an explanation.

On my profile, it used to indicate that I was single and looking. I would have never considered Facebook to be a dating site had it not been for men contacting me about dates. Men I knew from decades prior were telling me that they always thought I had been cute. Nice. Would have made High School a lot more bearable if some guy would have admitted that I was cute and ignored the fact that I was a bit of a nerd.
Seriously. I dated a guy who attended another high school. He was schooled by my classmates that he should dump me because I was eccentric.

Moving into the 21st century.

Between Facebook recommending friends to me and friends hitting on my through Facebook, I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I finally started flirting back with an old college acquaintance. It was fun but I was still receiving flirts from other men.

Is it cheating when you are being poked by other men on Facebook? Are you dating if it started with a poke on Facebook?

I determined that if I list myself as "in a relationship" the flirtations would stop.

My new male companion ignored my relationship confirmation request. I guess it was too early.
I moved on and I am listed as being in a complicated relationship with a friend.

That friend confirmed our "complicated relationship."

I have decided to embrace my complicated heterosexual relationship with a female. Let Facebook maintain its archaic definitions and let people assume what they will.
It is all hilarious to me.

Holiday Seasons

The Questions

That time of year, that I sometimes dread approaches. You call it the Holiday Season. I call it the season of inane and meddlesome questions. I wonder if I should consider spending the holidays drinking myself into oblivion, gorging on Christmas cookies, and having long, meaningful conversations with my cat? I should mention that I get lots of invitations. I love it. Family and friends always reach out to their single friend or cousin. Good Times......

The first question. “Where are you spending Thanksgiving this year?” This is to remind me that I do not have a family of my own. Not even a family of a significant other. It is just me. I am the single cousin or friend that doesn’t belong anywhere.

I arrive at the event and more questions ensue. There are the inevitable questions about my weight. As if I am not aware when I have either gained or lost weight since last year. Very irritating. Or that I forgot my days in college when I was a picky eater and dropped down to 115 lbs.

I don’t get the hair questions as much as often anymore. My relatives have finally adopted the belief that my hair will not see a perm again or a weave. Yet, some guest will mention that she tried the go natural but when she could not pull a comb through her hair she had to get it fixed. Or that the itching, the dryness or the naps were too much to take. These statements in effect announce to the group that I must not be able to get a comb through my itchy, dry, nappy hair. Thanks.

The dating questions are still a hot topic. “Who am I dating… Why not that one guy anymore?… Well what is up with him?” I can’t read men’s minds. My favorite question is “Well why aren’t you married, yet?” I haven’t found the perfect reply. I usually just respond as if the question was so utterly stupid that I forgot to answer it. Perhaps, I should say that I am married to Jesus.

Seriously, I could fabricate a man with a year’s worth of history and tell our story for the next two months. No, it would be easier to say that I vowed celibacy in 2002. I am well aware that wife and mother are among the traditional stages of life for a woman. I am sorry to disappoint. If this were truly a concern of my family members and friends someone would find out what I was looking for in a man and find that man for me. In other words be my matchmaker and stop talking to me like I am on my way to Spinsterhood.

The procreation questions….. As we watch someone’s child run into the arms of his/her mother and cries because Lil Bibi hit him/her. Someone will look at me and ask, “Don’t you want kids? Just like these? You know if you wait too long you will not be able to have kids?” As another child runs through the kitchen and destroys an antique dish someone else will ask, “Don’t you want to take one home with you?” Not really. I do want people who are not fertility experts, adoption agency employees, and midwives to stop giving me their backwards advice.

Of course someone’s uncle always flirts with me. It never fails. He is usually a handsome older man that may or may not be married or he is the uncle that still wears a jherri curl. It’s not that I don’t mind the attention, it is just creepy. I think I will use the imaginary boyfriend story for him this year.

Then there is that attitude of "she is so educated she will never marry and have kids." I am not a misfit or unpopular. Yes, I might be lazy but I am not helpless. Stopping sighing and talk to me about my life - and not at me, about your life. Next year, I am going on a cruise.

Oh, Yeah Happy Thanksgiving.

What the Men-Things Say

Being single with no kids after the age of 30 is the hardest state in the world. I get the strangest comments/questions. The lines that men use are best reserved for someone who is aged 23 or younger.
I have listed a few here for you. I heard some of these at my Cousin's Annual XMas party this saturday.

Random:::
You Are So Sexy. - I know that.
Hey, Come Here. - I am over here, negro. come to me if you want me.
Why Don’t You Have Any Kids? - I don't have kids. (i just keep repeating that)
Don’t You Want To Have Kids? - I don't have kids. (i just keep repeating that)
Can You Have Kids? -I don't have kids. (i just keep repeating that)
I Just Got Out of A Commitment. -Did I Ask You That?
I Want You To Be My Baby Mama! -Impossible
I Want To Give You Everything You Desire? -Impossible
I Love Your Hair, Can I Touch It? -Can You Buy Me a Drink?
Are You Creative? – That was one of the more creative lines I have ever heard.
I Like That You Have Curls In Your Hair. - I Know That Was About My Type Of Hair. I Hate Breeders. Men who review your gene pool when they meet you.
We Could Have Pretty Babies. -Stupid Breeders
Don’t You Find Me Attractive?- Where did that come from?
I Have Never Had To Approach A Woman, They Have Always Come On To Me. -You Must Find That Flaterring.
Can I Come Over Your House? -Can you buy me a drink?
Why, Not? -Do you see my empty glass? (Just A Standard Response To Any “No” You Might Give)
Tell Me, is That Guy Over There Staring at Me? -Homophobic guys have the best pickup lines.
Do you smoke? - (Weed) Actually, i like working for a living.

Guys In Clubs::
I Know You Think I Am Fine? –What is more important is that You Think You Are Fine.
Where Is Your Man? -Buying my drinks.
I Make 80k A Year. - Do you have a 401K?
You Got To Have A Man As Fine As You Are. - (This one gets a weak smile)
Why Aren’t You Married? - Are you married?
Lemme Ask You Something. - (Followed By A Retarded Question Like, “How Tall Are You?”)
I Am Ten Inches; You Should Take Me To Dinner. - I am not touching that.
We Should Go Out Before My License Is Suspended. _ Then What?
My Car Is Out Of Commission Can You Swoop Me Up?- NO
Are You Interested In Making More Money? – NO (no pyramid money making adventures for me. This is so annoying, a handsome man trying to get $59.99 out of me)

Guys At Discount Stores::
Don’t I Know You? - This one gets no response.
Didn’t You Work At The Mcdonald’s On Market St? - Seriously, someone insisted that he knew me from McDonalds and followed me around the store.

Guy At The Auto Service Center::
I Know Your Sister - (My Sister Never Lived In That City)

Guys At Home Improvement Stores::
Did Your Husband Send You To Buy Something? - This one takes a lot of nerve but it is funny as H##.
You Should Let Me Install That For You. - I have a Handyman, a father, a male co-worker and Corey.
Do You Need Some Help? - Do you work here? Are you gonna pay for it?

Internet Men::
Can We Meet Again Sometime, I Really Wanna Know You? - Slow down
What Do You Like In A Man? - Do you have a job?
Do You Like Older/Younger Men? - Do you have a job?
Do You Like White Men? - Do you have a job?
Do You Want To Watch Me Masturbate? - Do you have a job?
I Love Your Hair. - No response.
You Are So Sexy. - No response.

If it weren't so funny it would be pitiful. I hate being single. It is so irritating.
I never understand why men in urban clubs will talk your ear off but not offer to buy you a drink. Men in regular clubs will offer before the conversation gets started.

Men should give you their phone numbers on the back of their business cards rather than slips of paper. If so, then they have just passed test number one.

I have a simple test for men. The test is based on the number of keys that you have in your pocket.
1 - House Key
2 - Car Key
3 - Office Key
The next test is to randomly say, "401K." If he says, "hunh" move on. After that it is smooth sailing.