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Thursday, December 22, 2005

Movies today are a sad lot
There are some major types of movies that i have seen the past few years
1. An filmscreen version of a mediocre 70s TV show
2. Remake of another movie using 21st Century technology or the latest set of beautiful people
3. Pretentious Film interpretation of a comic book hero or best selling book
4. Heavily merchandised children's character that will be adapted into a cartoon or children’s show two more years.
5. Popcorn movies that make absolutely no sense but are nonetheless entertaining
6. Another freaking sequel that is completely unoriginal and not worth the price of dinner
7. A movie with some deeper meaning to it that you never quite get until you see it at home
8. A movie about penguins

I want to see a real female action hero movie. I loved Catwoman. I refer to it "A Woman Vexed." Just think, her man was sleeping with all of her friends, she had just won an Oscar and Revlon was giving her the blues. Anyway, everyone wants to argue the plot points with me.
Point One - It is Plot is Stupid
Spoiler ~ it is about a beautiful woman played by Sharon Stone that wants to launch a beauty cream that will disfigure anyone who STOPS using it. For that reason, my friends told me the movie was the worst movie of the year.
A product that you can't live without....... Sounds like razors for women. A disposable razor company wanted to double its profits so it starts advertising to women in the 1930s. Now women think that it is unhygienic not to shave and we need shaving cream and shaving moisturizers to relieve the stinging caused by raking a sharp metal file across our skin. BTW It is unhygienic not to wash your nasty ass.
Or straightening relaxers for black women. Can't go without one or your natural curly hair will start to show. Black woman spend up to $80 and 4 hours in the salon every 4 weeks to get the relaxer (the main ingredient of relaxers - is lye a chemical that can burn your skin), $40 on daily hair care products for grooming, and heating implements that will scald the skin in order to style the hair. Sounds like a product that can disfigure you to me.

Okay, so you may not be disfigured but manufacturers have to create a problem that their product will address. Hence, a beauty cream you cannot live without. Like douches and female suppositories. My health teacher taught me that our body scents were from hormones designed to attract the opposite sex but apparently I should be talking to my mother about feminine odor.

Second point - It The Conflict is Stupid
A stupid movie that has the hero in an unintelligible conflict with the antihero. Hmmmm. Have you watched a James Bond movie?
So, if you can’t tell, I loved Catwoman.

Back to movies in general
BO results are stupid. Each year movie theater chains raise prices and open more theaters. Each year, some stupid overly hyped movie breaks some stupid BO record. Of course it did. It is simple algebra.

Then there are the movies that I don’t get. Like Existential Movies

I Heart Huckabees - Defining and Connecting In the Universe

I tried watching this movie with my roommate. Someone told jupitergirl888 that she would like it. She and I sat down one lazy evening to watch this recommended movie. About 20 minutes into the movie I heard her saying, “take it out of the machine, please. Just take it out!” I had been searching the Internet for some sort of clue as to what this movie was trying to teach us. Any explanation at all. I searched blog entries and movie reviews. I felt like there was an inside joke that everyone knew but us. While JupiterGirl888 was content in not knowing the punchline and erasing the entire event from the dvd player I wanted to know “What Was the Joke?”

Find John Malkovich – Who Are We Really When We Are Being Someone Else?

I sat through this movie with 15 minutes of clarity at a time. It was as if I was underwater and I was sharing an oxygen tank with someone else. Each time I turned away from the screen everything was clear and I could breathe again. Then I start watching it and the confusion, the air bubbles, and panic sets in all over again.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – This Sounds Familiar, No Wait Its in Reverse.
Once again, someone suggested that jupitergirl888 and I would like this movie.
I started watching it after about 30 minutes jupitergirl888 disappeared. SHE LEFT ME … that jerk, to watch the movie by myself. I let the cat watch it while I ate some dinner. If I watch that movie again, I will walk backwards towards the tv screen.

I did like some weird movies
Groundhog Day – Don’t Live Life Unconscious
Hilarious. This guy walks though life as if it is only populated by him and things that either entertain him, irritate him, or hurt him - each of which he is trying to avoid.

Flirting with Disaster - Are We More than Our Parents?
You just have to watch it

Hitchikers Guide to the Universe – Answers the Question “Why Are We Here?”
I was watching this movie in the top rows of a 500 seat theater. I could hear people laughing from the front. I was determined to figure out what the “joke” was. So, I bought the book. It is hilarious.

Movies that I would like to see

1. An action-hero movie based on The Tick television show. Or if for no other reason (I wouldn’t mind watching it on Oxygen Channel) a movie about Captain Liberty or American Maid but make her black

2. An updated version of The Last Starfighter
With new CGI, i cant wait!

3. A film adaptation of the Spellsinger series by Allen Dean Foster

4. A children’s series of movies based on Johnny Quest with watches sold at Burger King and a corresponding XBOX 360 game that is released simultaneously with the movie.

5. An action movie about terrorists who fix the presidential election, take a harmless thing like the color wheel and use it to instill fear and hysteria and finally confuse the masses by suggesting that the democracy will crumble if gays are allowed to marry and if we stop saying Merry Christmas to our non-Christian cousins.

6. A sequel to Mystery Men

7. An existential comedy about ushers working in a suburban movie theater.


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