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Entry for May 16, 2007

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The other day a friend of mine – maybe not a good friend – told me that I was evil. Can you believe that? But perhaps it explains why so many crazy things happen to me.

Well anyway she called me evil because of a peculiar habit of mine. I like to imagine horrible things will happen to people that I dislike.

It all started in college. My anthropology instructor taught our class about a Native American tribe that he had studied. This tribe was worth study because of the very low rates of violence within its community. The research determined that the culture experienced their conflict in their dreams. So if David angered John by sleeping with his girlfriend, John would not beat him to a pulp he would simply take a nap. During the nap, he and David would find themselves in a life and death struggle. I found that the technique was very helpful for me in getting over my ex-boyfriend. The break-up was uneventful. No yelling or screaming. No calling our friends and telling horrible stories about each other. No drive-bys, harassing phone calls or stalking. None of that. Well none of that in reality.

In my dreams I kicked his ass. I shot at him. I suddenly knew martial arts and Kung-Fu’d his face. I cut off all of his hair (he had this fear of baldness). I may have beheaded him once. And this went on for years. It was strange actually.

I didn’t start having the dreams until about two years after we stopped seeing each other. A few years later, they were occurring less frequently and less violent. In think the change was due to the annoying habit of our mutual friends to inform me of his activities. Like the guy who told me that he hasn’t changed a bit and cheats on his wife. Or the gal who told me that he was still trying to get other people to do his work.

As the years went by, I would see him and he would try to talk to me. Tell me about his life and generally be a friend. In those dreams, I would still yell at him and slam doors in his face but I stopped trying to kill him. I stopped having dreams about him a few years ago. Then suddenly at the end of last year they came back. But this time he was apologizing to me. I told my friends about these new dreams and one person told me to accept his apology so that I could finally move on. I thought that I had moved on…. So the last time I dreamed of him, I did just that. Accepted the apology for being an absolute ass and told him goodbye.

Well since my dreams were such great places to exercise my complete rage, I decided to use my dreams to express my complete frustrations. I looked forward to going to bed and seeing supervisors there. I would do a great job that they would not acknowledge then i would drive my boss's car and crash it.

Of course, annoying group members found themselves in my dreams. Don’t you hate group work as an academic exercise? Seriously. I have been taking graduate classes off and on and one thing remains constant. Group work drives me nuts. I am not referring to the people that do not do anything. They don’t bother me. But the people who insist on looking at your notes to see what you have done, who want to meet all the time for updates or want all the group members to send to person (him/her) their information so that person can compile it. Those f()ckers drive me nuts. And in my dreams, I get them back by secretly damaging their computers, sending email viruses and becoming chummy with the instructor. I eat sloppy when we meet and spill food bits on their papers.

But guess what? Come on ….. My dreams…. My dreams are gone. They are freaking gone. Wanna know why?

Because of my “Lilly Monster medicine” I sleep but I do not dream. The funny thing is that we dream just before we are waking up not during our deep sleep phase. The medicine is designed to put me in the deep sleep phase whereas without it I sleep lightly all night long and have great tension releasing dreams.

In the absence of dreams I have started expressing my anger out loud. I say things like, “I hope she breaks her arm so that I don’t have to deal with her next week.” Or, “I was hoping that he got food poisoning so he wouldn’t arrive at work.” Once I suggested that if there were a fund being collected to quickly get rid of press whores who claim to be leaders but are peddling their influence for media attention, then I had two dollars for it. At that point my friend called me “evil.”

i want my dreams back. They were not all violent and they kept me from saying evil things. The picture up top is of my dream closet full of shoes.

View this clip to hear what the "leaders" that I want taken out


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