The Trouble with Roommates

Bender: Not enough room? My place is 2 cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother 2/3rds of a person

I am buying a single family dwelling in my hometown. The original blog on yahoo was all about being a new homeowner. I searched for months for this house. I selected it based on assumptions that I made about my life at that time. I thought things were going to happen that would make the house a perfect place to start a new life. Those things did not occur.
I had a 1200 square foot house and six months later, I had my first housemate. About a year after that I had my second. And since then I have kept an average of 1.5 housemates at a time.
Having housemates helped me to plan several renovations earlier than scheduled. I use all the monies that I receive from rent for the house in the form of repairs, updates, and maintenance. A douchebag has said to me on several occasions, "with so many roommate, you should have lots of money." Who gets roommates in order to make money? That is the purpose of rental property. This is my home.
After five years as a homeowner, I have found that I prefer living with someone else. I just go nutty by myself. When my current housemates move on to their own home owning adventures I will twiddle my thumbs until I find someone else.

Bender's Bender
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Ugly Americans New Episodes Nick Swardson's Pretend Time Night of Too Many Stars

Bender's Bender www.comedycentral.com

Ugly Americans New Episodes

Nick Swardson's Pretend Time

Night of Too Many Stars

The benefits gained from having a housemate number in the hundreds. The negatives, vary from dirty wine glasses left on the counter for two weeks to sounds of a couple that does not include me having loud relations in the morning to mysterious counter-top crumbs to ambulatory gnomes in the garden.
Then there are the events of a few weeks ago.
I arrived home to a slightly tipsy housemate, Raynell. I asked her if she planned to drink for the rest of the evening. She indicated to me that she planned to get "pissy drunk." She had had a hard week of training for her new assistant manager position. I decided that I would purchase the next round of beers for us. I felt like some relaxing beer smuggery with the housemate. I sent a text to a work friend letting him know that I planned to relax at home with a cold beer or four. He suggested that we relax together after a hard week of work. In my case, a hard week of data entry and records review. In his case, a hard week all around.
First, I had to tell housemate #2. that I had company. I spoke with Stoney. She tweets so much of her life, that I will not be surprised to find descriptions of her BMs on there in the near future. I said to her, "Stoney, I am expecting company. You will need to refrain from tweeting it."
Do you know someone with whom you have to actively remind to participate in real life rather than broadcasting your collective activities on Twitter? It is silly.
I then informed Raynell, that I would not only be purchasing the next 12 pack but that we would be honored with a guest for our beer unwinding event.
Back to my company. I will refer to him as VW. He is a friend from work that I have known for years really and isn't something for Stoney to tweet about. My Facebook profile DOES indicate that I am single, so there was really no harm being done. I merely wanted to cut-off any speculations about my company from Stoney's twitter friends.
The evening went well. We watched The Color of Magic and drank copious amounts of beer.
Don't you find it embarrassing to have to excuse yourself to use the bathroom? Even when it is your own house? I did. So I waited until VW excused himself and I would take his absence to use the other bathroom. Which led me to the basement bathroom that Raynell uses rather exclusively.
I enter her domain and tell her that I have to use the bathroom. She yells at me, "you better not be shitting in my bathroom," I reminded her that I pay the mortgage and I will very well BM wherever I want. She reminded me that she pays rent to be able BM in that particular toilet at her will. I countered with "That is why you park in the garage and not on the street." She replied, "Don't be sh*tting in there." I realized that she was unnecessarily loud. I walked over to her and noticed the glazed over look in her eyes and realized that she had accomplished her goal.
This scene occurred two more times over the course of the evening. I accepted it like hair in the drain or three open jars of salsa in the fridge. I cringed each time hoping that no one could hear her drunken ramblings.
I thought her outbursts would be the most embarrassing component of the evening. Nope.
After my 3rd beer, the doorbell rang after 10 p.m.
I waited. I heard no one heading for the door to meet a delivery guy. I finally headed toward the door after about a minute or so. I spied Stoney at the top of the stairs. I asked her if she expected company. That jerk says, "Were yooooooooooooooooou expecting company?"
A strange man is at the door, another on my couch, and she is making jokes. She continues with, "Were you expecting company tonight" several more times. I stared at her in disbelief. She made it obvious that I was NOT expecting company and the idea of a surprise visitor made me uncomfortable. She finally admitted that the company was for her.
Of course it would. Jerk. A handsome man, six bottles of beer, and a purring cat are hard to explain to unexpected guests.

I can only hope for revenge and patience.

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Oh Gawd. I think I broke my foot

I have never felt so out of sorts before.


I registered to attend webinar using GoToMeetings today.  I had to cancel attending a Martinis and Makeovers program sponsored by a Mary Kay friend at a local wine bar and lounge.  I already miss the martinis and pampering. I went to the gym to exercise. I came home ate, showered and got ready for the meeting. I am relaxed.

Logged into my email to retrieve the codes and panicked.

Fail

I had been operating under the assumption that the meeting began at 9 p.m.  The notice read 8 - 10 pm CDT.  I scrambled to download the gotomeeting software using mozilla. That failed miserably after four or so tries.  I switched to Internet Explorer. Successfully downloaded the software then picked up the house phone.Fail againThe access number was a long distance number.  Cursing myself for removing long distance on the house phone, I look for my cell phone.

Fail
It is no where to be found. My roommates keeps calling it while I look in my purse, my car, my raincoat (oh yeah, it was raining cats and dogs and I have a detached garage). I am wet and phone less. My roommate hears me cursing and she permits me to use her new Palm phone

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU USE A PALM PHONE

It takes me three tries to dial the phone number.  I fail 9 times to key in the access code.  After each series of three failed attempts the call disconnects forcing me to redial and fail again.  

I begin cursing like a sailor.She laughs like a hyena and offers to key in the number.  She struggles... And giggles.  

I am panicking because I am still under the false belief that 8 pm CDT is the same as EDT.  
Once I am on the call, I realize to my relief that I am not late for the meeting.  I have my roommmate mute the phone.  That is the only thing I did right all night. I settle down at my desk and open a few windows and chat with some hoars while I wait for the meeting to start.  
I drink Merlot the roommate brought home.

Pull out my crochet since I am still plugging away at that baby blanket for a girl.

The meeting starts and I don't have the materials I need to follow the presentation.

I quickly stand up ---


Fail

I don't rise straight up, instead my socked foot slips on the wood floor under the wood desk with a loud crash.

I curse.

My roommate runs out of her bedroom to check on me. I am still cursing.

I am hopping around on one foot while looking through my briefcase for the review materials.

I locate the materials, plop into my chair and fumble with her stupid phone to announce myself and then mute the call.

Fail

I ask my roommate to unmute the phone so I can announce myself then mute the phone so I can remain on the call.



For all my rushing the first hour of the webinar was a read-along.  I guess in this day and age you have to hit each style of learning.

First:  Send an electronic document to members to review one month in advance. Hands on

Second:  Create visual presentation with the images of the pages. Visual

Third:  Read the document while the pages appear on the webinar window. Only adding reference information.  Auditory


In order to ask a question I have to unmute the phone.  Knowing that I will fail at that simple task, I try to send an instant message.  I inform the meeting organizer that I an unfamiliar with the mute function on the phone.  She replies, "dial special code to unmute your phone."   
The code would have worked if I had not accidentally disconnected the call while trying to bring up the fucking keypad. 


Fail


It takes me two failed attempts at dialing the number.  My roommate's two failed attempts before she successfully gets me back into the meeting and they have ended the session.

Fail fail fuckity fail

I endure all of this with a throbbing foot.

Where is the wine.....

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BTW

My roommate tweeted the entire adventure from her point of view.

Pests

I found this crime scene in my drive way a few weeks ago. 

The remains of a once proud fat bird.  Sometimes, I feel guilty about keeping a bird feeder with so many stray cats in my neighborhood.

 I know cats can be ruthless predators, so when I found a bat in my bathroom, I expected the house cats to handle it.

Oh.  You don't know about the bat, do you?

Two weeks ago, I saw that the bath shelf  behind the tub was dark as if full of mold and dirt.  I exited the tub and reentered with my robe. 
I moved the product stand to clean behind it.  For some reason, I am the only one who bothers to clean under the shelf.
I saw what looked like a pile of hair.   I became annoyed.
Then if flew at me.

I ran out of the bathroom.  Stood in the middle of the upstairs hallway and started screaming.  Thirty seconds elapsed before my roomie deigned to check on me.
Later she would tell me that she thought I had been yelling about the hair she had left in the tub after her shower.

She also told me that I began stuttering while I tried to tell her about the bat.

I can only imagine.
Thinking that I must have mistaken the bat for a common household spider, she entered the bathroom.

Do you see it??????
She looked in the bathroom.

This was taken just before the bat flew across the length of the tub and we both shut ourselves into our respective bedrooms.

There are any number of immediate responses to finding a bat in your bathroom.

I began calling male relatives.  

My roomie - updated her Facebook status.  

Seriously.

While I was calling the neighbor to send her husband over to remove the bat she was replying to comments. The husband was out of town but she said that after the kids were finished with choir practice she would help me to remove the bat. 

I went to the houses of other neighbors and asked wives if their husbands were free and roomie was set up her video camera.  

When I got back to the house, we reasoned that the cats would catch the bat. 

She tried to trick the cats into entering the bathroom.   I admit. I thought that it was a good plan. 

The cats would not find the bat.
If you can see the video you may be able to hear me in the background yelling at my cousin for suggesting that I hire a pest remover. 

Finally, she agreed to take care of the bat.
In this video she is Searching for the pest
We found the bat hanging from the silk flower arrangement. 


After much giggling, our efforts resulted in a
Removal

A few minutes later, my neighbor arrived at the door with both her kids in tow, a net and her own video camera.

I guess, I was the odd one. 

Frizzy Reader Fail

In between work, yoga, hooking and friends, I have become an avid reader.

I began sharing my books with my housemate earlier this year. She is not able to patron the library. I share books with her and bring to her books that I think she might enjoy.

Recently, a friend shared a trilogy with her. She passed the books to me.

With a warning.
She explained to me that the books were erotica. Not my usual romance books but real erotica. She felt that I would be disturbed by the first few pages of book one. Claiming Sleeping Beauty is not a pretty story. It is pretty darn upsetting.
Here is your spoiler: Teenage sleeping princess is raped rather than kissed. Bondage. Bondage and more bondage.
Sleeping Beauty is one of the first movies that I remember seeing as a child. I could not permit those memories to be spoiled.


I took the books from her and read up to about page 15 before closing it forever.
I sent to her a text message that day reading
"Thanks for the warning, but I am giving you back your porn. "

The next day, I received a message from her
"Who is this?"

I thought she was joking. I wrote back:
"Frizzyhooker, geez!"

Of course, I checked the number after I responded.
Of course, it was not her new number.
I can only imagine what the person on the other end of the text was thinking?

I think the porn was payback for the erotica that I tricked her into reading.
A friend gave me a book with a strong recommendation.
I gave it to my housemate to read first.

Heatseekers by Zane
A summary

Hoochie meets the playa but the good girl lands the real catch, who has money like Brandy and Mase. Hoochie and good girl are friends. Of course. Oh yeah, there is a pregnant teen in an abusive situation for tear value.

An excerpt

“An issue is what an emotional defect becomes when it graduates from being a problem. ”
“That’s real deep,” Tempest replied, in awe of his wording again. She longed to hear more, wondering if it was possible to meet a decent man in a meat market. To think, he was standing beside her the whole time she was checking out the rest of the dog pound. …..

She proceeds to ask if his name is Darius because she thought of herself as marrying a man named Darius. I had no idea meat markets were in fact, meat markets.
I envision marrying a man named Mister…..

“My name is Geren, and yours?”

“Tempest,” she answered, waiting for him to ask her a stupid question. Does that mean you have a temper? Does that mean you are like a storm in bed? If she had a dollar for every nucca that asked her one or the other, she would be sitting on the top of the world like Brandy or Mase.

I understand the character there. If one more guy asks me if Frizzyhooker means that I like having sex on carpets, I will scream.
The story continues. There is some discussion of Kool-Aid, hoochies and more nuccas.

She was very upset with me for the book. Probably more upset with me because I used her as my reviewer before I attempted to read the book. I had to advise my housemate on what a “nucca” was. And there is something terribly wrong with serving Kool-Aid at a wedding even if you are marrying a "playa."

Of course, discussing sex toy usage with one's grandmother is probably more distrubing than flavored water.

I have certainly learned my lesson. No erotica for me and no playa stories for her.

Crafty update
The neighbor's blanket is finally complete

He is driving me insane

I would like to take a moment to write about my home life.

I have several housemates. One is very demanding.

Each morning I walk to the bathroom between 5:50 and 6:30 am. Each morning my housemate is waiting for me. He grunts at me. Sounds like “Meh.”

I usually respond, “Leave me alone.”

He is still there after I use the bathroom. I don’t understand him. He could use the bathroom before leave my bedroom. It is as if he wants to be irritated with me every single morning.

So, I end up yelling at him, "Screw you!"

I try to exit the bathroom as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I try not to check for him – to see if he is still waiting for me. When he catches my quick glance he always grunts “MEH.” Always a little louder the second time.

If I am lucky, he will be gone by the time I am ready to depart for work. I am rarely lucky. He is a sentinel. Guarding the bathroom door or guarding the stairway. I don’t know which. I just want to be left alone.

MEH

It is louder the third time. He voice rings in my ears as I scramble down the stairs to exit through the kitchen.

Sometimes, I will stop just to yell at him, “Leave me alone.”

In the evenings, I am convinced that he waits for the garage door to open before he races upstairs just so that he is at the top of the landing and the entrance to the bathroom

MEH

His grunts get pretty aggressive as the sun wanes.

Gosh, he is so annoying. He always wants a fresh glass of water. He wants me to get it for him. But it must be perfect. The correct temperate. Must be clean. Once I tried to add some lemon juice to his water. He was furious.

I just want him to leave me alone.

Yesterday, I set some water in front of him; I walked back to my bedroom and discovered that he had pushed it away from him. As if it was not good enough for him. I was so offended.

You are probably wondering why I permit this behavior in my own house. I was forced to permit him to live under my roof. He was a package deal when one of my friends came to live with me. I don’t want her to leave so I have to accept this horrible creature. She adores him. I cannot figure out why. He is so demanding.

I am constantly cleaning up after him. Demanding and messy. The spot that he guards in front of the stairs and near the bathroom is attracted to his hair. He is fastidious groomer but doesn’t pick up after himself. Gross.

MEH

That cat is driving me insane.

Every morning he wants fresh water. Every evening fresh water. Perfect water. He has his own dish in another part of the house. Why does he pester me?

He is like the brown spot in the carpet. The one you see every single day because you have to walk past it. The one you don't want to deal with...... Yes, that brown spot.

My lasted crocheted brooch. A pink tea rose.

Reload No More Strays

This is a post from another journal of mine. I thought that i would finally update my LiveJournal with this relevation

I thought that iw Okay, some of you do not know that i live by myself. Well, had this great roommate who is also a great friend that lived with me until April. I miss her a lot. I got used to having someone around. Someone to talk to. Someone to help out with the crazy high utility bills. I thought that it would be easy to find someone else to live with me. I was wrong. All I have found are strays. And let me tell you taking in a stray is always a bad move.



Strays

Some Definitions

“Stray” means any animal that does not appear, upon reasonable inquiry, to have an owner/guardian

Homeless person is an individual who lacks a fixed, regular, and adequate nighttime residence

For some stray animals “follow them home” for me stray humans do the same and I have a heck of a time getting them housetrained or to leave.

I had a cat that was an adopted stray GEEZ that was a nightmare. She pooed everywhere but in her litter box. She chose the bath mat, any corner with accumulated dust, an empty room. I secretly hoped that my roommate would take the cat for a drive. If she did it then I could be free of my unmitigated desire to get rid of her without actually doing it and dealing with related guilt. I kept shooting mental commands at my roommate to take the cat, take her away. I finally left open the door to a room with a broken window. Wheh. Finally, I have admitted it. Now the speculation about what happened to the cat can end. I did it. I shut her in a room with a window open and hoped she would free herself. I blocked out the memory of what i had done and actually accused my roommate of doing something sinister to the cat. I tell people know that she ran away.

My first human stray was Armondoma (-oma means tumor). And a stray he was. No possession just a few bags of clothes, a clock radio, cell phone, space heater and george foreman grill. I guess by homeless people standards he was better off than most. I didn’t pick him for a stray right away because he had family in the area. My mistake. The fact that he obsessed over Mariah Carey, hung out at his job for hours on his days off and recorded ten hours of soap operas and videos everyday didn’t register as a loser. Even when he slept with the light on because he was afraid of the dark- I didn't see it coming. No, it wasn't until i found myself hiding from him at night becuase he would trap me in the kitchen. He had this fantasy that the 19 year old that he worked with and was in a 3-year relationship with his girlfriend was really gay. The girlfriend, whom he hated, had done something to him. The two had been friends since Andy was 17, Drea started working there and now they are a couple. Of course, Armondoma and the guy's relationship would never be the same as long as Armonda had a crush on Andy. I couldn't take it. I finally told the Drea that Armondoma was trying to convince me and everyone else that she had turned a gay man to straight. It made a lot of sense to her because she had no idea why Armondoma was so hostile to her. The Andy, 19 year old boyfriend, finally had to complain to management that he was being sexually harassed by a 36 year old man. All three of them worked at the movie theaters. Ever see the MAD tv skit about ushers? Yeah, it really is like that.

The worst kind of stray is a family friend or a relative. After I cut Armondoma out of my house I asked my relative Imakronikliar (Im-A-Kro-nic-Li-ar) stay with me. Imakronikliar had me going, talking about making a change and just needing some help to get there. I was so happy to have that tumor removed that I didn’t see that Imakronikliar a mouth disease, liarosis. After about two months, I found myself just as unhappy as I had been living with the tumor. Once, I had yelled at ImaKronicLiar for canceling one of my favorite shows on the DVR. I yelled at ImaKronicLiar often, long and loud. It really didn’t matter what was done to irritate me, it didn’t matter if I overreacted. Hell, it didn’t matter if I was wrong. I changed the locks on my doors one lock at a time. Just imagine. You arrive home. There are two locks on the door and for no apparent reason, one lock does not turn with your key. I am sure it was bewildering and upsetting to never know when or where I would strike next. I am sure Imakronikliar got the picture. GET the HELL OUT. When he finally left he had pissed me off so bad, i gave his clothes to Goodwill. Imagine the attendant starting at me as i handed to her very expensive men's clothing. i know what she wanted to ask me. Yet, i would not say.