Read and Act Accordingly

Good friends and good alcohol are usually a good combination. Until it is not. Like the time my GF and I went for sushi. Our plans had been delayed due to the weather. Originally, we were going to have dinner at 7and then head to the wine bar at 8:30. The night would have ended by midnight with both of us in our respective beds reading a book.
We didn't head to the sushi restaurant until 9:30. We drank sake and with our judgment impaired and the night still young we decided to try out a new bar. We arrived just before midnight and ordered dirty vodka martinis.

Mistake number one, we went with well vodka because we were lazy. Mistake two, we did not have our friends meet us there. Before we finished our first martini we know that we would need someone to pick us up.  She texted a friend and I texted a friend.

As you see. The conversation was normal. I was trying to lead up to the fact that I was quickly getting drunk.
I was in a strange bar with friendly people. We were having a great time but we were fast approaching the threshold for becoming too drunk to drive. We were both having trouble relating our weakness to our friends via text.
Then I decided to drop a big hint that I might need some help.


I should mention that I hate it when lounges have performers and the patrons shout at each other to be heard. I think if you are going to a lounge with a band then you should expect to be silent while the band plays so that everyone can enjoy the music.
Unfortunately, by my second martini, even I was shouting.

;ll

And making a mess.
At this point, I remembered having sake before drinking the martini. A voice whispered to me, "don't mix your liquors."
I ignored it.
and ordered a second martini.
Elossa was out playing cards with his friends. Contacting him had been a shot in the dark.
I tried calling Cousin L who hung up on me. I sent him a text message reading "I am drunk." he didn't bother to text or call me back. I told my friend that I would call my mother and tell on him for not being there when I needed a ride home from the bar. I was pretty drunk. She suggested that I do not call her while I was inebriated and in a bar.My roommate was out of town. It didn't occur to me to call my sister to pick me up and we were hoping that another friend would arrive. I am still upset with Cousin L. Even though, I know that my drunkenness was not his fault. I am upset because he didn't call me until 12 pm the next day.



After we had been in the bar for about an hour other drunken bar patrons began strolling over to us for a chat.
One guy began telling stories of his painful life. My girlfriend became so sad that she cried as he related tales of abandonment and loneliness. Thank goodness, her friend Arturo arrived.He was like our savior.I was so happy to see him.
He informed the bartender that we were done drinking for the night. She decided that with him in the bar she was safe to commence some drunken dancing while the guy with the guitar played. I continued to text Elossa until my girlfriend caught me. She took my phone from me and tried to clean up my position.

I got it back from her. Silly girl and promptly fixed what she had undone.
And this was the last set of messages before I was shoved into the back seat of Arturo's car and driven to the Waffle House.



Dear Waffle House employees: You are amazing folks. I hope that nothing but goodness follows you throughout this lifetime. Thank you for the work that you do.
Signed, that drunk woman who left seaweed on the floor.


What did I learn from this? Sake sneaks up on you. Never go with the well vodka. Always, know who you can call upon when you need a ride. Finally, carry cash to tip the guy who has to mop the floor after your accident.

School Adventures

I almost forgot to tell you about my latest adventures in “Watching Minors.” I think babysitting children is like being a cast member of a sit-com.

The characters are all the same:

The precocious preschooler

The attention stealing toddler

The giggly tween who has the entire world to conquer

The moody teen who is much to serious to be understood

A few weeks ago, I watched Lil T. Lil T is Cousin L’s daughter. She will be 5 in ten days. Her first day of kindergarten arrived during her parents planned business trip. I agreed to take her to school.

I was fine with it until the questions began.

My friends wanted to know how it came to pass that I was taking Lil T to school. There seemed to be some concern in their voices.

My co-workers didn’t think I understood the ramifications of such a task.

They took me through the tasks one by one.

1. What was I going to feed her?

I said, she asked for grits for breakfast. I was informed to make sure she eats before she gets dressed. GENIUS!!!! I would have never thought of that on my own.

2. What is she wearing?

Her uniform. I was advised to keep the uniform away from her until she is getting dressed as she might play with it.

3. What time to I plan to leave for the drop off?

I figured 20 minutes. I learned that her school has a pretty nasty drop-off with a high number of professional parents who need to get to work. I should plan to get there 30 minutes early and hope to be on time. There was the drop off traffic to navigate as a new parent. And in years past, the news media has covered the first day of school at this particular building.

4. Are you nervous?

Yes, I was nervous I was nervous about getting her to school on time. I was warned that I had to get her there on time for her first day of school. Just so you know, I didn’t.

5. How does she feel about school?

I really didn’t know. She seemed okay. It was foretold that little girls who seem okay the day before the first day of school are not usually okay on the first day of school. I was urged to remain inside or outside of the class for several minutes to make sure that she was settled.

6. what time do you plan to pick her up?

I figured when she gets out. My co-workers reminded me about the ridiculous drop-off and suggested that I remember that the pick-up would be equally congested.

Okay, I was set.

First, Lil T took her bath at night and went to bed on time. In the morning I made the grits, eggs and sausage for her.

I forgot that children only like scrambled eggs. Yeah, my bad. I made her eggs over medium (my favorite). I also forgot that her parents do not eat pork. I couldn’t figure out why she kept frowning at the delicious sausage. Yum Yum. I asked her to finish the grits and the eggs and get dressed.

A few minutes later she presented herself to me. I didn’t really look her over so I can’t say if the tags were still on her clothes or not. She looked clean. So, I said get your lunch bag and lets go.

About ½ way to the school I take a look behind me

I notice that Lil T’s cheeks seem swollen. I asked her if there was something in her mouth. She showed me a mouthful of grits and eggs. I asked her to swallow it.

Look at her cheeks.

I realized that she had not only dressed herself but she had been in the car for 15 minutes before I realized she was hoarding food in her mouth. Did someone tell her that she would not eat at Kindergarten?

Just so you know. I was late. The whole lineup for the drop off was difficult to maneuver. I walked her to class she sat down and ignored me. Isn't the floor colorful? I acutally forgot to wait. I walked pretty slowly because I wanted proof that I was not the last parent to drop off a kid. (even though I am technically not a parent). I know, selfish on my part but no LilT running after me. She was fine.

Here she is opening her locker.

Picking her up was interesting.

All of the parents must wait in a group about 40 yards away from the door. The kindergartners are first. Of course, Lil T was the first child through the door.

On her face was a look of utter disgust. As if her little brother had slobbered on her favorite doll. Or had a very loud smelling bowel movement near her. She eyed all of the parents with her mean gaze.

I was afraid of her. My co-workers had warned me to the point of irritation that little girls do not handle the first day of school very well. They told me stories of crying fits and screaming. I didn’t know what was going on in Lil T’s head.

I was afraid to walk towards her.

I thought that maybe the sun was in her eyes and in a few minutes she would smile or otherwise not look so mean.

No. I cautiously walked towards her. She recognized me but continued to “mean-mug” the other parents. It was so bad that I just wanted to disappear.

When we were out of sight hidden behind the yellow buses, I asked her “why do you look so angry.”

She whined as if almost ready to cry, “I want to ride on the bus.”

That girl makes me laugh coming and going...

PS

I found the tags for her clothing on the floor of the guest bedroom. I was relieved. Finding the tags meant that I did not send her to school with tags on her clothing. But I am not sure that she brushed her teeth.

She also asked about my missing tv everyday and at least three times a day during her stay. She didn't understand why the TV had broken any more than I did.

More TVs

A month ago my father called all of us to remind us that he was turning sixty years old and that for his birthday he wanted $60.00 in cash. He wanted to redo his basement shower.

My father's basement shower is the kind that no woman would ever use. Seriously NEVER. His "den" is of course in the basement. His spot. My step-mother has the kitchen. Why are men's spaces so dark and uninviting to women?

My sister and I take off of work in order to make it to my father's B-day party and present him with his gift. We endure Interstate traffic jams, take an exit and run into small town traffic jams, miss our freeway exit, back track and finally make it to his house 90 minutes late and the food isn't ready. Yes, we took off of work.......

He opens his card, picks out the $240 and says, "Yes, now I can buy a new LCD TV for my Man Den." (the basement) I felt betrayed.

Back to my TV worries.

So here we are 24 hours with a broken tv.

My journey….

To begin, I consulted family and friends for advice about my TV.

To review. I turned the TV on. Walked out of the room to take in the lovely weather on the porch. Returned and the TV was off. Been that way ever since.

The questions….

The TV will not power on?

I have already made that clear.

Is it plugged in?

Wasn’t sure if I should have been completely offended by this question. What do you think?

Did you plug it into a different outlet?

Wouldn’t you try that first? Is that not common sense. I do, after all, have a college degree….

Well, there was a thunderstorm did you check that the power strip needs to be reset? Again… Does it seem reasonable to ask me that? Okay, maybe. There was a thunderstorm that morning but the TV did come on that afternoon. But my father expected me to check it while he was on the phone.

Well, did you check the power strip?

Seriously. That is not the problem.

How do you know that it will not come on?

I ignored this question from my co-worker.

Are you trying to turn it on with the remote? Or the power button?

I bit my tongue when he asked me this. Like I was some kind of Tech nimrod. As if I would not walk my fat butt over to the TV and press the Power button - or check the batteries in the remote. It made me angry because I stated that the TV mysteriously shut itself off. I would have been more open to the possibility that I have a poltergeist than the idea that I am such a total loser who tries to turn on a TV with a broken remote. That would be Armond Reynolds.

Did you unplug it for 15 minutes and check it again?

Not a bad suggestion but every piece of equipment has that weird flaw. Unplug it and it will turn on… Why is that anyway? I just don’t get it. Like some kind of karma belief or buddha quote.

Unplug it and it will turn on...

Take away the negative energy and the positive energy will find its way into your life.

Was it on during the lightning storm? Are you sure that it did not get zapped?Yes, clearly I am sure that it did not get zapped since it is attached to a very expensive power strip that powers five working pieces of electronic devices.

Exactly what happened?

Argh.

Well Cousin L suggested that I may have purchased the extended warranty. I assumed that it had run out after three years. He thought that perhaps that I may have bought a 5 year warranty. Right..... I am sure the 5 year warranty was more expensive than the TV when I bought it. However, on that hunch I called the store. Fortunately, I purchased the 3-year warranty that expires 8-31-07. Small favors.

On the other hand.

WHAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT BREAKS THREE WEEKS BEFORE THE WARRANTY RUNS OUT?