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From the Archives: What the Men Things Say

Thursday, September 16, 2010

This post was published in Dec 14, '05
I had attended a holiday party the day before.  Remember 2005, when people were too PC to say Christmas?
Good times.  Good times.
I have gotten away from the entire spectacle of the Christmas holiday.  I more excited about the Winter Solstice because it means daylight will be returning soon.
This entry was about being single.  Now that I am quickly approaching 40, I can really appreciate that attention that I used to receive in my 30s. Or not.  
Most of the men that I meet now are divorced or still think they are in their 20s.  It is odd having a conversation with a man with a gray beard when he is talking about twitter wars with 20 somethings.... Or casually dropping the word "hashtag" in adult conversation....
Social networking can prolong our youth,  but it isn't really that cute on a guy.
To the archives after the jump....

  What the Man Things Say

Being single with no kids after the age of 30 is the hardest state in the world. I get the strangest comments/questions. The lines that men use are best reserved for someone who is aged 23 or younger.
I have listed a few here for you. I heard some of these at my Cousin's Annual XMas party this Saturday.


You Are So Sexy. - ☞I know that.
Hey, Come Here. - ☞I am over here, negro. Come to me if you want me.
Why Don’t You Have Any Kids? - ☞I don't have kids. (I just keep repeating that)
Don’t You Want To Have Kids? - ☞I don't have kids. (I just keep repeating that)
Can You Have Kids? - ☞I don't have kids. (I just keep repeating that)
I Just Got Out of A Commitment. - ☞Did I Ask You That?
I Want You To Be My Baby Mama! - ☞Impossible
I Want To Give You Everything You Desire? - ☞Impossible
I Love Your Hair, Can I Touch It? - ☞Can You Buy Me a Drink?
Are You Creative? – ☞That was one of the more creative lines I have ever heard.
I Like That You Have Curls In Your Hair. - ☞I Know That Was About My Type Of Hair. I Hate Breeders. Men who review your gene pool when they meet you.
We Could Have Pretty Babies. - ☞Stupid Breeders
Don’t You Find Me Attractive?- ☞Where did that come from?
I Have Never Had To Approach A Woman, They Have Always Come On To Me. - ☞You Must Find That Flattering.
Can I Come Over Your House? -☞ Can you buy me a drink?
Why, Not? - ☞Do you see my empty glass? (Just A Standard Response To Any “No” You Might Give)
Tell Me, is That Guy Over There Staring at Me? - ☞Homophobic guys have the best pickup lines.
Do you smoke? - ☞(Weed) Actually, I like working for a living.

Guys In Clubs::
I Know You Think I Am Fine? – ☞What is more important is that You Think You Are Fine.
Where Is Your Man? - ☞Buying my drinks.
I Make 80k A Year. - ☞Do you have a 401K?
You Got To Have A Man As Fine As You Are. - ☞(This one gets a weak smile)
Why Aren’t You Married? - ☞Are you married?
Lemme Ask You Something. - ☞(Followed By A stupid Question Like, “How Tall Are You?”)
I Am Ten Inches; You Should Take Me To Dinner. - ☞I am not touching that.
We Should Go Out Before My License Is Suspended. _☞ Then What?
My Car Is Out Of Commission Can You Swoop Me Up?- ☞NO
Are You Interested In Making More Money? – ☞ NO (no pyramid money making adventures for me. This is so annoying, a handsome man trying to get $59.99 out of me)

Guy At a Discount Stores::
Don’t I Know You? - ☞This one gets no response.
Didn’t You Work At The Mcdonald’s On Market St? - ☞Seriously, someone insisted that he knew me from McDonald's and followed me around the store.

Guy At The Auto Service Center::
I Know Your Sister - ☞(My Sister Never Lived In That City)

Guys At Home Improvement Stores::
Did Your Husband Send You To Buy Something? - ☞This one takes a lot of nerve but it is funny as H##.
You Should Let Me Install That For You. - ☞I have a Handyman, a father, a male co-worker and an uncle.
Do You Need Some Help? - ☞Do you work here? Are you gonna pay for it?

Internet Men::

Can We Meet Again Sometime, I Really Wanna Know You? - ☞Slow down
What Do You Like In A Man? - ☞Do you have a job?
Do You Like Older/Younger Men? - ☞Do you have a job?
Do You Like White Men? - ☞Do you have a job?
Do You Want To Watch Me Masturbate? - ☞Do you have a job?
I Love Your Hair. - ☞No response.
You Are So Sexy. - ☞No response.

If it weren't so funny it would be pitiful. I hate being single. It is so irritating.
I never understand why men in urban clubs will talk your ear off but not offer to buy you a drink. Men in regular clubs will offer before the conversation gets started.

Use Dating Tests to Filter the bad guys
Men should give to you their phone numbers on the back of their business cards rather than slips of paper. If so, then they have just passed the first of many tests.

My tests are simple. Check the number of keys in a man's pocket.
1 - House Key
2 - Car Key
3 - Office Key/ID badge
The next test is to randomly say, "401K." If he says, "hunh" move on. After that it is smooth sailing. 

Added in 2010
From talking to my girlfriends, I have learned that men omit very important pieces of information.  I have found a few new test questions for single women.
Ask the man you are dating ☞ Are you aware of a woman who can or may claim at some point that her child, unborn or born, shares DNA with you?
Follow that up with  ☞ Could there be a child today or at some point within the next 10 months who could claim you as a father?
Flush out those married men with ☞Is there documentation that you are currently in a relationship? 
Is this guy hiding from something ☞Have you changed your cell phone number or primary email address in the past two years?  
For the sake of all that is private ☞ Resist adding him to your social networks.  
Watch this video if you need convincing


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