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I"m going to tell my top secret! You will be delighted!

Monday, July 18, 2011

At work today we discussed creating new training sessions for our student employees.
It became a giggle fest as we presented topics to cover.
I will share them with you as I wrote them down with our commentary.

Not what the designer intended

Clothes should fit the current weight of the wearer.That Freshman 15 does a number on some of our workers and their understanding of garment sizing.

Name badges should be worn so we know that you are actually working and not hanging out. It keeps us from bothering unceasingly.

No shirts with vulgar slogans, however clever.

Pants must be fitted along the waist. Do not flash us. I might go blind - again.

Find your natural waist

Furthermore, tights are not pants unless you are into Cosplay and it is Dress Up Day as Robin Hood at work. Seriously, leave something to the imagination and keep the jeggings at home.

Cell phone conversations should remain private and not shared with everyone around you. No one cares and don't make us.

There are no such things as breaks when you work less than 5 hours a day. Take care of your errands before you arrive for work.
Stop goofing off.

No one needs you to pick up lunch

Speaking of errands, do not call staff members to do special favors for them on your way into the office- if you are going to be late just call and admit it. You are not fooling anyone.

No hanging out in staff members offices while on the clock. Get busy or clock out. We have earned the right to "meditate" in our cubicles for a few minutes a day. You have not earned the right to join us.

Don't plan appointments while on the clock without permission. This is your job and you have no office.
Only if you are a lifeguard

No shower shoes (seriously). If it has a tab in the bottom of it for the thong, then they belong in the locker room or the pool not in the office.

Don't make us find you, you will not like it when we do - Use the in and out board and follow your schedule.

Maybe you over did it.
Keep perfume/cologne below the obnoxious threshold.No one should refer to you as Stinkie behind your back. Only lots of water will remove evidence of last night's bender or lack of a shower. Also, no one should guess that you just rolled out of bed. It is never a good look. If you can't be bothered to dress and groom yourself properly then don't expect us to be bothered with turning in your timecard.

I don't know what these demands (policies) will look like after we develop the training sessions. It was just good to get it all out without resorting to attacking this Fall's employees without warning. The things I saw last year made me go blind.


Maven said...

Oh yes, to your list I'll add:

To the man whose breath smells like he survives by eating his own poop:

1. Get the hell out of my personal space;
2. Get a toothbrush, tooth paste and some mouthwash and every chance you get, scrub the funk out of your mouth!

To the person who "blows up"/funkifies the bathroom:

1. Get yourself some Fabreeze air freshener and spray the area liberally upon exit;
2. Get yourself to the doctor to find out if your feces is trying to back itself OUT.

To the person who was out on extended medical leave: I get it. You're busted up/broken down. Quit walking in/out the backdoor to prevent your comings/goings from being detected when you're obviously slacking off. WE ARE KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU, YOU FOOL.

The Frizzy Hooker said...

Wow. That must be horrible. I work with college students. I am trying to help prepare them to be gainfully employed.

Mary's Sharing Space said...

I can't imagine what the work place is like anymore. I know that it would drive me crazy. I was a self starter. Show me the work and get out of my way. In fact, for awhile I worked as a temp because it was nice not to have to worry about office politics and one of the places I was assigned had an attitude that I was a place holder. I just came in every day and sat and looked nice. Hated it. When I had my last day, they said that they wish they had met me earlier because I would have had a job. But some of today's employees aren't and it is frustrating. Good luck with your new students. I hope it is a good year for all of you!

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