Scarves, Moles and Suspenders

I have finally accepted that the winter scarves I am making will not be completed prior to 2010.
I don't call it cripplemecrochet for nothing.
My father's step-daughters have five kids between them. I wanted to make matching scarves for the girls and their mother in pink, green and lavender. I finally decided to frog the skirt that I had started in order to use the yarn to make scarves for the two boys. The marble yarn will be perfect for the boys and the mom.
I usually avoid scarves. I thought they were incredibly boring.
To make these interesting I consulted my ancient crochet pattern tome.


Everyone should have a stitch pattern book.

After these gifts, I will be taking a year off for hooking unless I am at the ministry. Since the ministry only meets once a week for a few hours, I should be fine.

I think I will work on working out during my break. This should be fun.

I only became out of control with the fiber arts a few years ago when I discovered the local yarn store and Ebay. I think it should not be hard to revert back...

Well it is holiday time
I spent time with my mom and dad on Sunday. Dad's beard is almost all gray now. It is fun to watch it turn. I have always loved his beard.
When I saw my mother I informed her that I found my first moles. I remember a few years back, she began breeding moles on her face during her menapause. She was able to have them burned off at a nail salon in Texas. I have baby ones on my eyelid.
It frightens me two-fold. Is the change coming? And WTF MOLES!!!

I asked her what do I do about them. She ignored me. I was serious. She rolled her eyes.
I guess, dealing with the moles are my own problem.


You would think that she would offer some kind of advice. I am her daughter.
Hmmm.
Perhaps, yelling at her from across the table "I have old-lady moles on my eyelids. How do I get rid of them?" was the problem. or maybe it was when I said, "I don't want to walk around with chocolate chips all over my face"
She probably took offense.

I stopped being annoyed with her long enough to observe my step-father's latest fashion. Even though he is well into his sixties, my step-dad likes to prove how hip he is by wearing the most fashionable slacks with his traditional oxfords. Sometimes, he will mix it up by wearing jeans or a leisure suit. I cannot imagine where he is finding these clothes. Unless, he frequents those neighborhood shops. It is not unusual to see him wearing urban wear jeans that sag just a little matched with an old man sweater. On this day, he wore a South Pole leisure suit AKA outerwear. I just shook my head until he removed his jacket and I noticed that he was wearing suspenders.

Why??????

If I have to live with moles I want him to stop wearing those suspenders
OMG these look like his outfit sans black suspenders

Valentine's Day Facts

Valentine's Day 2010: Feb. 14

Opinions abound as to who was the original Valentine, with the most popular
theory that he was a clergyman who was executed for secretly marrying
couples in ancient Rome in spite of Emperor Claudius II, who felt that
marriage weakened his soldiers. In any event, in A.D. 496, Pope Gelasius I
declared Feb. 14 as Valentine Day. Through the centuries, the Christian
holiday became a time to exchange love messages, and St. Valentine became
the patron saint of lovers. Esther Howland, a native of Massachusetts, is
given credit for selling the first mass-produced valentine cards in the
1840s. The spirit of love continues today as valentines are sent with
sentimental verses, from and to young and old romantics.

Candy is Dandy

1,233
Number of locations producing chocolate and cocoa products in 2007. These
establishments employed 38,794 people. California
led the nation in the number of such establishments with 143, followed by
Pennsylvania with 115.
Source: County Business Patterns <
http://censtats.census.gov/cgi-bin/cbpnaic/cbpdetl.pl>

466
Number of locations that produced nonchocolate confectionary products in
2007. These establishments employed 18,250 people.
Source: County Business Patterns <
http://censtats.census.gov/cgi-bin/cbpnaic/cbpdetl.pl>

$14.4 billion
Total value of shipments in 2007 for firms producing chocolate and cocoa
products. Nonchocolate confectionery product manufacturing,
meanwhile, was a $5.6 billion industry. Source: 2007 Economic Census <
http://www.census.gov/econ/census07/>

3,643
Number of confectionery and nut stores in the United States in 2007.
Source: County Business Patterns <
http://censtats.census.gov/cgi-bin/cbpnaic/cbpdetl.pl>

23.8 pounds
Per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2008.
Source: Current Industrial Reports <
http://www.census.gov/cir/www/311/ma311d.html>

Flowers

$403 million
The combined wholesale value of domestically produced cut flowers in 2008
for all
flower-producing operations with $100,000 or more in sales. Among states,
California was the leading producer, alone accounting
for about three-quarters of this amount ($314 million). Source: USDA
National Agricultural Statistics Service
<
http://usda.mannlib.cornell.edu/MannUsda/viewDocumentInfo.do?documentID=1072
>

$24 million
The combined wholesale value of domestically produced cut roses in 2008 for
all operations with $100,000 or more in sales.
Source: USDA National Agricultural Statistics Service <
http://usda.mannlib.cornell.edu/MannUsda/viewDocumentInfo.do?documentID=1072
>

19,759
The number of florists nationwide in 2007. These businesses employed 93,779
people.
Source: County Business Patterns <
http://censtats.census.gov/cgi-bin/cbpnaic/cbpdetl.pl>

Jewelry

27,484
Number of jewelry stores in the United States in 2007. Jewelry stores offer
engagement, wedding and other rings to lovers of all ages.
In February 2009, these stores sold $2.2 billion in merchandise.
Source: County Business Patterns <
http://censtats.census.gov/cgi-bin/cbpnaic/cbpdetl.pl>
and Monthly Retail Trade and Food Services

The merchandise at these locations could well have been produced at one of
the nation's
1,753 jewelry manufacturing establishments.
Source: County Business Patterns <
http://censtats.census.gov/cgi-bin/cbpnaic/cbpdetl.pl>

Be Mine

2.16 million
The number of marriages that took place in the United States in 2008. That
breaks down to a little less than 6,000 a day.
Source: National Center for Health Statistics <
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/nvsr.htm>

112,185
The number of marriages performed in Nevada during 2008. So many couples
tie the knot in the Silver State that it ranked fifth
nationally in marriages, even though its total population that year among
states was 35th. (California ranked first in marriages.)
Source: National Center for Health Statistics <
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/nvsr.htm> and population estimates,


27.6 and 25.9 years
Median age at first marriage in 2008 for men and women, respectively.
Source: Families and Living Arrangements: 2008 <
http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/ms2.xls>

56% and 59%
The percentages of American women and men, respectively, who were 18 or
older and married (includes those who are separated) in 2008.
Source: Families and Living Arrangements: 2008 <
http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2008/tabA1-all.xls>

70%
Percentage of people 30 to 34 in 2008 who had been married at some point in
their lives -- either currently or formerly.
Source: Families and Living Arrangements: 2008 <
http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2008/tabA1-all.xls>

73%

Among women who married for the first time between 1985 and 1989, the
percentage who marked their 10th anniversary. This compares
with 87 percent of women who married for the first time between 1955 and
1959.
Source: Marriage and Divorce: 2004 <
http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/marital-hist/2004/Table2.2004.xls>

6%
As of 2004, the percentage of currently married women who had been married
for at least 50 years. A little more than half of currently married
women had been married for at least 15 years.
Source: Marriage and Divorce: 2004 www/releases/archives/marital_status_living_arrangements/010624.html>

*The Census Bureau data in this section do not include same-sex marriages;
the National Center for Health Statistics data do.

Looking for Love

904
The number of dating service establishments nationwide as of 2002. These
establishments, which include Internet dating services,
employed nearly 4,300 people and pulled in $489 million in revenue.
Source: 2002 Economic Census <
http://www.census.gov/econ/census02/guide/SUBSUMM.HTM>

Try Looking Here . . .

Romantic-sounding places to spend Valentine's Day:

Rose City, Texas Rose City, Mich.
South Heart, N.D.
Loveland, Colo. Darling, Minn.
Loveland, Ohio
Romeo, Colo. Sacred Heart, Minn.
Loveland Park, Ohio
Lovejoy, Ga. Heart Butte, Mont.
Love County, Okla.
Loves Park, Ill. Valentine, Neb.
Loveland, Okla.
Lovington, Ill. Lovelock, Nev.
Lovelady, Texas
Romeoville, Ill. Loving, N.M.
Loving County, Texas
Rosemont, Ill. Lovington, N.M.
Valentine, Texas
Romeo, Mich. Love Valley, N.C.
Rose Hill Acres, Texas
Lovejoy, Ill. Rosemont, Md.
Rosemont, N.D.

There are also 8 different places named "Rose Hill" and 7 named
"Roseville."

Source: American FactFinder

Giving Love a Second Chance

19%
Percentage of ever-married women and men, respectively, 15 and older who
have married twice, as of 2008. Five percent each have married three or
more times. By comparison, 76 percent of women and 75 percent of men who
have ever been married have made only one trip down the aisle.
Source: 2008 American Community Survey
<
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/american_community_survey_acs/014237.html
>

8
Average length, in years, of first marriages ending in divorce.

3 1/2
The median time in years between divorce and a second marriage.

52% and 44%
Among adults 25 and older who have ever divorced, the percentage of men and
women, respectively, who were currently married.

Source for the data in this section, unless otherwise noted: Marriage and
Divorce: 2004
<
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/marital_status_living_arrangements/010624.html
>

Post December 14th

This is the addition that I made to a traveling scarf recently. I added this section at the end of November.
I used the staff holidays to work on a few gift scarves, as well.

For my trouble, I earned a swollen hand.

It looked worse than this at the beginning of December. I finally had to realize that the scarves will not be complete before the end of the year. Since I refuse to buy any gifts, I plan to dodge holiday gatherings or at least fake the gift exchanges.
Wish me luck!

I should mention that I have been pretty busy the last few weeks.
I am so glad that it is over.
Leinenkugel beer got me through it. Their Fireside Nut Brown is amazing. I don't like Sam Adams. I am a Midwestern gal and I want a Midwestern beer.
I like beer. I am proud to say.

I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night.” ~ Greek Proverb

“The government will fall that raises the price of beer.” santiz Czech Proverb
“God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.” santiz Anne Sexton

Thank you beer. I tried vodka, rum and gin but nothing beat the comfort of a cold bottle of beer.

Yesterday, Dude informed me that I have removed the links to my blog from my Facebook page and other places. He said, "I know you are probably talking about me on your blog. So I understand."
Isn't he cute?

Post-Prozac

I have been having a hard few weeks. I gained another ten pounds and I have officially decided to stop taking my prozac. I don't know what my co-workers are going to do. Hell, I don't know what my housemates are going to do. Or that Dude of mine.

I traveled recently to Illinois. It was okay. I hate traveling but I had company. I took Dude with me. The only negative about Dude is that he is the youngest child of six and a from a multiple birth. On the other hand, I am the oldest of two.
Get it?
Well, for those of you who are clueless, I am trying to write that he would not stop talking. Not at all.
I like to listen to books on tape when I travel. I don't talk on the phone. I don't want to catch up. I do want the stories to end.
Since I have leg issues, I like to stop every two hours to walk around. I had peace in the restrooms. I hate eating at rest areas but when I am hungry there is not much else to do.
Actually that wasn't so bad.
I returned home safely and tried to finish a swap project. I used a new yarn for me. Encore colorspun. I like Encore. It has yardage and practicality.
The next day, I had blisters on my hand.
My knitting friends diagnosed me with an allergy to the dye. I was so sad. I had two skeins.....
The next day, I had blisters on my feet.
By that afternoon, I had blisters in my mouth.
My knitting friends first posited that I put my hands in my mouth, but noone could explain my feet. I objected. I don't put my hands in my mouth. Near my mouth, yes but not in my mouth. I bought this special dental tool to avoid hand to interior mouth Reach Dental Flosser. My fingers don't go near my mouth.

The next day I had more blisters, so I went to the doctor.
After the examination he reentered the patient room with a big book.
Opened the page to some pictures and said, "I think you have hand, foot and mouth disease." Apparently, adults get it one percent of the time and usually from children. (According to my sister and mother of an 18 month old) My niece and I had the disease at the same time. Where she contracted it from her day-care, I probably picked it up from a rest stop. From some kid who did not wash her hands.
I will never eat at a rest stop again.
I have now been christened with the nickname the "sickly one."

Doc told me that I was not contagious to adults because, well, adults don't get hand, foot and mouth disease. I swear he snickered a little..... There is no treatment. The disease runs its course in ten days.
He advised me to stay away from children and not to tell anyone what I had.
He said, "If you tell anyone that you have hand,foot and mouth disease they will start to think about WWII or the plague. You don't want that."

I paid for that advice. At least I am not allergic to the Encore.

A few days, I purchased the ingredients for my famous strawberry and pretzel salad. This dish for the annual Thanksgiving dinner for my group whips of quickly. As I poured the frozen sliced strawberries from the container, I noticed NO sliced strawberries. I had 22 ounces of strawberry bits. I did not have time to purchase another tub of the strawberries, so I drafted submitted an angry customer response to the grocery store's website.
I couldn't save the dish. I let the jello set and drove 30 minutes to the dinner.
My dish completely ruined became the joke of the dinner. See. Someone took a picture of it and mailed it to me.

The poor pretzels should comprise the crust but as you can see, without the strawberry layer, the pretzels have taken over.
I didn't think it was that funny and I secretly hoped that one of them were as sickly as me.....


This week, the blisters have dried and I am back to typing again. I have to write that Word 2007 is full of stupid. I wanted to insert a file into my document. I searched and searched on the insert menu. I searched under the file menu. A half hour of my life wasted. I checked the Help function.
I put in "insert file" This was my first suggestion.




I ask you, if that is such a common question WTF did the geeks at Microsoft move it to the object option under the Insert tab???????

Just wait. December 14th will be here and I will take some time off.

The Things my friends talk me into doing!

She said, "go to this site and see what your baby with Dude will look like."

Twenty minutes later I have these morphs to show for it.

This poor baby looks like she/he was liberated from a pod sack.

This baby is cute. And probably very likely.

This baby is a stinker. I see him/her getting away with everything.
This baby is my 18 month old niece. Perhaps the morphing is on to something.

Pictures courtesy of http://www.morphthing.com/

Vampire Swap has arrived

I spent a few days at a conference. I returned this morning to find this box of goodies on my desk.

Three skeins of Cascade 220
The best damn cocoa mix EVER
A new book to read, Soulless by Gail Carriger. I cannot wait to crack the binding.
Lindt truffles- yummy
Dove chocolates. Great snacks for work.
An amigurini vampire pattern.
And finally Vampy toys.

I am so excited!!!!

Frizzy Reader Fail

In between work, yoga, hooking and friends, I have become an avid reader.

I began sharing my books with my housemate earlier this year. She is not able to patron the library. I share books with her and bring to her books that I think she might enjoy.

Recently, a friend shared a trilogy with her. She passed the books to me.

With a warning.
She explained to me that the books were erotica. Not my usual romance books but real erotica. She felt that I would be disturbed by the first few pages of book one. Claiming Sleeping Beauty is not a pretty story. It is pretty darn upsetting.
Here is your spoiler: Teenage sleeping princess is raped rather than kissed. Bondage. Bondage and more bondage.
Sleeping Beauty is one of the first movies that I remember seeing as a child. I could not permit those memories to be spoiled.


I took the books from her and read up to about page 15 before closing it forever.
I sent to her a text message that day reading
"Thanks for the warning, but I am giving you back your porn. "

The next day, I received a message from her
"Who is this?"

I thought she was joking. I wrote back:
"Frizzyhooker, geez!"

Of course, I checked the number after I responded.
Of course, it was not her new number.
I can only imagine what the person on the other end of the text was thinking?

I think the porn was payback for the erotica that I tricked her into reading.
A friend gave me a book with a strong recommendation.
I gave it to my housemate to read first.

Heatseekers by Zane
A summary

Hoochie meets the playa but the good girl lands the real catch, who has money like Brandy and Mase. Hoochie and good girl are friends. Of course. Oh yeah, there is a pregnant teen in an abusive situation for tear value.

An excerpt

“An issue is what an emotional defect becomes when it graduates from being a problem. ”
“That’s real deep,” Tempest replied, in awe of his wording again. She longed to hear more, wondering if it was possible to meet a decent man in a meat market. To think, he was standing beside her the whole time she was checking out the rest of the dog pound. …..

She proceeds to ask if his name is Darius because she thought of herself as marrying a man named Darius. I had no idea meat markets were in fact, meat markets.
I envision marrying a man named Mister…..

“My name is Geren, and yours?”

“Tempest,” she answered, waiting for him to ask her a stupid question. Does that mean you have a temper? Does that mean you are like a storm in bed? If she had a dollar for every nucca that asked her one or the other, she would be sitting on the top of the world like Brandy or Mase.

I understand the character there. If one more guy asks me if Frizzyhooker means that I like having sex on carpets, I will scream.
The story continues. There is some discussion of Kool-Aid, hoochies and more nuccas.

She was very upset with me for the book. Probably more upset with me because I used her as my reviewer before I attempted to read the book. I had to advise my housemate on what a “nucca” was. And there is something terribly wrong with serving Kool-Aid at a wedding even if you are marrying a "playa."

Of course, discussing sex toy usage with one's grandmother is probably more distrubing than flavored water.

I have certainly learned my lesson. No erotica for me and no playa stories for her.

Crafty update
The neighbor's blanket is finally complete

Sigh! Different day, same question

My grandfather passed away last month. The repast was held at my grandmother's home.
Oh joy for me

When everyone exhausts talking about Grandpa, his life and his death they look around for something else to talk about.

There is the casino issue on November's ballot.
There is the mayoral race.
Micheal Jackson conversations never seem to go away.
Just as the conversation picks up there is a distraction.
Some toddler runs into the room, plops down on the floor and starts crying.
That is when relatives notice that I still am motherless.

Sigh.

"Frizzy, when are you going to have kids?"
"By accident"


Then there is my younger cousin by ten years who is also brazenly childless.
She is asked the same set of questions.

"Nikki, when are you going to have kids?"
"After Frizzy."

You would have thought that we planned our counterattacks.

If only that would stop the teasing. Teasing, seriously they older women in the family tease us for being motherless. I don't understand.

My grandmother seemed to enjoy listing off and pointing out each of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren ranging from 38 to 16 months. I enjoyed pointing out that she has plenty for now.

A few weeks later, Dude visits me.
He surprises me with this gift.

Images taken from here, you can order your own clock.

Seriously.
I was so upset that I called my mother to let her know that I was dating a wacko.
After describing the clock and its packaging she says, "well, you aren't getting younger."

I felt betrayed. I thought we had an agreement. She wouldn't bother me about kids and I wouldn't bother her about her recipes.

So I guess I am going after that sweet potato pie recipe after all.

He is driving me insane

I would like to take a moment to write about my home life.

I have several housemates. One is very demanding.

Each morning I walk to the bathroom between 5:50 and 6:30 am. Each morning my housemate is waiting for me. He grunts at me. Sounds like “Meh.”

I usually respond, “Leave me alone.”

He is still there after I use the bathroom. I don’t understand him. He could use the bathroom before leave my bedroom. It is as if he wants to be irritated with me every single morning.

So, I end up yelling at him, "Screw you!"

I try to exit the bathroom as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I try not to check for him – to see if he is still waiting for me. When he catches my quick glance he always grunts “MEH.” Always a little louder the second time.

If I am lucky, he will be gone by the time I am ready to depart for work. I am rarely lucky. He is a sentinel. Guarding the bathroom door or guarding the stairway. I don’t know which. I just want to be left alone.

MEH

It is louder the third time. He voice rings in my ears as I scramble down the stairs to exit through the kitchen.

Sometimes, I will stop just to yell at him, “Leave me alone.”

In the evenings, I am convinced that he waits for the garage door to open before he races upstairs just so that he is at the top of the landing and the entrance to the bathroom

MEH

His grunts get pretty aggressive as the sun wanes.

Gosh, he is so annoying. He always wants a fresh glass of water. He wants me to get it for him. But it must be perfect. The correct temperate. Must be clean. Once I tried to add some lemon juice to his water. He was furious.

I just want him to leave me alone.

Yesterday, I set some water in front of him; I walked back to my bedroom and discovered that he had pushed it away from him. As if it was not good enough for him. I was so offended.

You are probably wondering why I permit this behavior in my own house. I was forced to permit him to live under my roof. He was a package deal when one of my friends came to live with me. I don’t want her to leave so I have to accept this horrible creature. She adores him. I cannot figure out why. He is so demanding.

I am constantly cleaning up after him. Demanding and messy. The spot that he guards in front of the stairs and near the bathroom is attracted to his hair. He is fastidious groomer but doesn’t pick up after himself. Gross.

MEH

That cat is driving me insane.

Every morning he wants fresh water. Every evening fresh water. Perfect water. He has his own dish in another part of the house. Why does he pester me?

He is like the brown spot in the carpet. The one you see every single day because you have to walk past it. The one you don't want to deal with...... Yes, that brown spot.

My lasted crocheted brooch. A pink tea rose.

Some People Stop Trying

I finally pulled into my garage around 7:30 pm after a long day of work. I see the cable company's truck in front of my neighbor's house.
A few hours later, I head to the garden for fresh vegetables for my ratatouille. This is what I find in my driveway.

I was like "WTF?" Do you see how the cable is just lying in front of my garage? The cables were cut up and spliced in half. Completely unusable.
Isn't that insane. I don't have cable. I subscribe to satellite dish.
Was it a warning?
Has the recession hit us that hard?????
I called the cable company and refused to provide any personal information. Just my address and a demand that someone pick up that cable mess before I head to the gym at 6:30 am.
I just knew if I gave my name and number, someone telemarketer would add me to their "Give cable a try" campaign.

It was gone.

The cable installer must have been a lazy bugger. I know that 7:30 appointments are probably the last of the day but that was no reason for leaving his mess in my backyard the night before trash pick-up.
There was no way that I was doing his/her job and taking it out to the curb for trash pick-up.

Some people just stop trying to do it right.

I don't want to get ahead of the story.
At the gym, I had scratched myself while on the stretching mat. There was blood. Of course, I stopped stretching on the mat. Do you have any idea of how disgusting people are after they work out? And they use the stretch area but NEVER clean the (still) wet spot with the disinfectant...... The same people are picky about wiping machines but never the stretching area mat.

YUCK

I hobble over to the attendant and ask for an alcohol wipe. Yes, I felt that hobbling was very appropriate.
She tells me that she is required to complete an incident report.
I know, right?
While waiting for her to find the forms. I realized that I am still bleeding.
I request a bandage.
This is what she gives to me.


I want you to look very carefully at the bandage.

Because of the budget cuts, the powers that be stopped purchasing bandages in multiple sizes. Opting instead to just buy the large bandages and cut them to different sizes.

People have stopped trying to do it right.

Later that day, I headed to the gas station. When I pump gas while wearing a skirt (see above picture) I tend to flirt with men. I don't know why. Maybe secretly I want full-serve...........

I spoke to the nice older gentleman at pump 3. I turned around to continue pumping on 2. I walk around to put the pump away and a woman says "hi" to me. It was weird. The two were at the same car. I wondered if he pumped while she paid .....
Then she hands to me a MaryKay business card attached to a magnet.
I was thinking.... For real?
Really?
Is a MaryKay representative trying to pimp me up at the gas station?
And a magnet too. What am I going to do with a magnet in my car? Stick it to my car????

All of that in one day.
Must be the sign of the times when people just stop trying........


This is my latest knitting project
I am finally using up the last of my eyelash yarn from 2004 :)

Where I have been.

The past 30 days have been pretty hectic. My grandfather entered hospice. I have spent many evenings at the hospital or visiting family. I have kept myself busy with work and my knitting. He passed away last week.
The family dinner was held at my grandmother's house yesterday.
Remember the days when we had to sit at the kid's table during family events? Now that my first cousins and I are all over 28 we have the option to sit where ever we want. Yet we still group together at one table in particular and tell inside jokes and stories until our parents tell us to move to let the "old folks" have a seat.
We cannot win.
The younger children in their teens for some odd reason like to sit with us. I think it was a way for them to avoid the little kids table by hanging out with the almost middle aged aunts and second cousins. Of course, our experiences mean that we pity the youngsters and let them sit with us until they are shooed outside with the grammar school kids.

I haven't had so much fun in years. I never thought I would sit at a table with my niece and my cousin's children trading barbs with them. My sister and I noticed that when we were their ages, we would have been banished from the company of adults.

Well, I need to get ready for the Wake. If you are interested the funeral information is here http://tinyurl.com/ycsso4v

My complicated relationship just got more complicated

I may have to break-down and end my relationship with my friend. She has a video on the interwebs here http://tinyurl.com/lvt8zx She is competing to become the Face of Fox in our hometown. If you click on the link, you will see her goofball audition tape.

She has an infectious charm and personality. But she keeps leaving the cabinet and cupboard doors open after she retrieves bowls or crackers. And can't she see that the water pitcher needs to be filled???? Guh.


I am not sure that I can maintain a FB relationship with a pseudo-celebrity

I am so clever

Look what I made.....

Take four afro-picks

One wooden extenstion pole. I sawed one of the connectors in half. A piece of scrap plywood. a few wooden screws and washers

I have made my own set of wool combs.

this is a professionally crafted comb

These are my versions

Perception is 9/10ths of Hilarious

I haven't written in some time.
It is summer. I get lazy. Of course, there have been loads of funny stuff happening around me to report. I just haven't sat down to update all of you.
First there is the issue of my sexuality

Last week during lunch a friend told me, "I didn't know you were a lesbian."
Well, neither did I.

I looked at her and responded. "I am not."
Not to be corrected, she reminded me that according to my Facebook status I am in a complicated relationship. She previewed the profile of my complicated partner and learned that she was a female.
Facebook has turned spying into a social activity.

I was not sure what to say.
It wasn't the first time I was dumbstruck when it came to my sexuality.

There was that time in Akron when a lesbian and I became great friends. That is until after a long night of commiserating about my single status she said, "Have you ever thought maybe you do not have a boyfriend because you are not supposed to have one?"

I got it then. All the gifts she had purchased for me when I moved were not housewarming gifts at all. We grew apart and lost touch but her words haunted me for years. I shared the story with a gay friend and he said, "Girl, ain't nothing about you - lesbian." With his affirmation I endured celibacy.

Here I was, five years since that conversation and my friend is looking at me from across the table waiting for an explanation.

On my profile, it used to indicate that I was single and looking. I would have never considered Facebook to be a dating site had it not been for men contacting me about dates. Men I knew from decades prior were telling me that they always thought I had been cute. Nice. Would have made High School a lot more bearable if some guy would have admitted that I was cute and ignored the fact that I was a bit of a nerd.
Seriously. I dated a guy who attended another high school. He was schooled by my classmates that he should dump me because I was eccentric.

Moving into the 21st century.

Between Facebook recommending friends to me and friends hitting on my through Facebook, I was feeling a little overwhelmed. I finally started flirting back with an old college acquaintance. It was fun but I was still receiving flirts from other men.

Is it cheating when you are being poked by other men on Facebook? Are you dating if it started with a poke on Facebook?

I determined that if I list myself as "in a relationship" the flirtations would stop.

My new male companion ignored my relationship confirmation request. I guess it was too early.
I moved on and I am listed as being in a complicated relationship with a friend.

That friend confirmed our "complicated relationship."

I have decided to embrace my complicated heterosexual relationship with a female. Let Facebook maintain its archaic definitions and let people assume what they will.
It is all hilarious to me.

I told you so

I think that I am going to put the police non-emergency number on my speed dial.

A few days ago, I was awakened by the sounds of a hollering man at 4 am. it was very loud. I looked out the window to see if some hooligans were outside of my house. I wanted to check on my housemate's car. The last time I heard voices, her car was vandalized.
I didn't see anyone.
Just heard the voices. Lots of F-bombs.
Lots of F-bombs.
I shut the window.
Still more F-bombs and pleads to "hear my out."
It sounded like someone was being kicked out of the house.
I turned on my porch lights to alert the jerks that someone was awake and could hear them.
The voices got quieter.
After about 30 minutes, I hear the male voice say "I am going to leave."
I hear this for another 20 minutes.

I look for the telephone book because I have to be at work at 8:15 am. I didn't want to call 911 so I had to look up the non-emergency number.

I am sitting on my bed with the phone in my hand. It is now 5:05 am.
I hear what sounds like a car starting.
Yippee. The jerk is leaving her alone.
I place the phone on the charger and turn off my bedroom lights.
Wait.
I don't hear the sound of tires.
Hmmmm
More "I am going to leave" statements.

Shoot. I was tricked.
I am furious.
5:10 am
I hear the sound of wheels on pavement.
Freedom and normalcy at last. I drift off to sleep...

6:00 am. My damn alarm goes off.
8:40 am, I stumble into work angry and tired.
I called the VDenks and told them about it, they live closer to the Eastsideneighbors. Leez heard nothing.
When it started up again last night, I turned on the AC and hid under my pillows. But the drama got the better of Leez and she listened intently to the argument.
Since they argue in the streets, I have no problem posting the amended transcripts (as told b Leez VDenk) of their argument here:
Female: "I can't open the door, it is all foggy."

Male: "I just want to leave"

Female: "You are always trying to leave."
"Just take off"
"Go hang down to the bar and hang out with all the drunk bitches"

Lovely

Craft Updates

I am working on a hat for a friend. The hat hates me. For some reason all my attempts at crocheting a hat this year have gone horribly wrong. I actually had to consult a pattern. <>

My birthday was last week.
These are the swap packages that I received.


Swapperneckers





Cancer Swap

Almost Forgot to Tell You

About the the new neighbors across the street....

Hmmmmm
I expect to have lots of entries dedicated to them this year. I will tag them EastSideNeighbors.

For my first entry I want you to imagine sitting on the front porch on a lovely summer day. The cross breeze is flowing through the porch and there is a glass of lemonade on the table.

Peaceful

Now look at this

The Eastsideneighbors have a cute little boy. This is his bike minus the training wheels. I can see the bike all the way to the end of the block. It is a good bike for a small kid.

Now look at this >>>>>

Okay
The two are not related, right?

Add this image

Got that?


I am going to add one more image to make sure that you understand what I am trying to convey.
Do you have all of that?

Okay, imagine me sitting on my porch. Drinking a glass of lemonade. As I place the glass on the table I look up and see......


A grown ass man wearing a wife beater and saggy sweat pants riding down the block on his kid's Hulk bike carrying 30 can box of Budweiser.